Conflict within myself

I can end up day dreaming whole DAY or NIGHT and i don't know how to solve it.

I'll ask myself questions and tried to answer the questions but found no answers to them.

I always thought of desiring to eat the choco crunch with HL milk but don't dare to step out of my room.

Things have been like this whenever i've been yearning to know what he/she is doing right now, but i don't wanna ask he/she for the answer.

I kept myself silence even though i wanted to post my thoughts on facebook but i don't want him/ her to see.

So instead of posting it on facebook, i tend to blog about it.

Maybe i was waiting for anonymous person to comment on my blog but i've no intention towards that and i make no anticipation towards that.

I am just trying to relieve myself by not keeping it inside my heart..

I've got questions like,

- Should i set up some rules for myself?

- Should i close my msn since there's nothing to be waiting for?

- Shouldn't i be doing my revision now?

- Can i eat choco crunch with Milk now?

- What should i tell mum bout it?

- Should i talk to him/ her?

- Can i ask him/her this/that?

Then i've got answers like,

- no i shouldnt', if we live our life through rules, it means that we are forcing ourself to do or follow it. it's willingness that i want. even though through rules you might be easing ur worries for some while but after that u'll start worrying bout whether u are truthful to ur rules or u r just forcing through life, which i don't want to. cause in the end it brings out again, the conflict onto myself and then i'll still be in the wheels of conflict, back to the starting point.

- no i shouldnt but maybe i should since i m awaiting for some miracles to happen but it's a waste of time. but then if i really close my msn, i'll be missing out my miracles. it's sad to think it that way. So i'll just open when i want and close when i feel like don't want to see any activities in my msn.

- yes, i DEFINITELY should have been doing my revision cause ur A2 exam is just around the corner, two months you know TWO MONTHS! But then i couldn't hocus pocus on my books. i intended to do my maths revision but then i ended up staring at it and repeatingly looking into the same page as i did two days ago. so i ended up blogging and staring into my laptops. Urghh..

- I wanna eat choco crunch but then again i wanna diet. Or maybe i might be going out tonight. there might be some expectations to happen but then again i might put myself into a graveyard of unhapiness coz my hopes came to fall apart but then again i should have think positively and yea you see, my cousin actually called me and asked me whether i wanted to go out or not but then again it all depends on ME, whether or not i want to go out or just continue sulking at home.

- Maybe i can make up this and that excuses to her but then again lying to her is so bad and i feel guilty to her. However, i've been desiring to do this and that so maybe i should have just come out with some appropriate excuses which won't hurt both sides. The end.

- No i shouldn't cause i dun wanna be a bother to him/ her so i ended up blogging and throw all my thoughts out into my blog.

- Yes i should but no i shouldn't. I want to solve this all by myself. Maybe i was being a little bit too hard-headed but then again i dont wanna let him/her know all the stupid thoughts i've made. =(

So, you see. I can repeat all those questinos and answers in my head and ended up not doing anything and wasting my time. Even though blogging these might not solve the problem i've made for myself. ARGHH...

I am just stupid and hard-headed and careless and idiotic and not-thinking-wisely...

Blablabla... i'll end my conflicts here but still i am within a sea of conflict and i don't mind talking to myself cause i've been used to it...

THE END

Yours sincerely,

Eileen Tan a.k.a. m0m0ch4n

(For god saken why did i end this article with a LETTER FORMAT? URGHHH!!!)