Conflict within myself

I can end up day dreaming whole DAY or NIGHT and i don't know how to solve it.

I'll ask myself questions and tried to answer the questions but found no answers to them.

I always thought of desiring to eat the choco crunch with HL milk but don't dare to step out of my room.

Things have been like this whenever i've been yearning to know what he/she is doing right now, but i don't wanna ask he/she for the answer.

I kept myself silence even though i wanted to post my thoughts on facebook but i don't want him/ her to see.

So instead of posting it on facebook, i tend to blog about it.

Maybe i was waiting for anonymous person to comment on my blog but i've no intention towards that and i make no anticipation towards that.

I am just trying to relieve myself by not keeping it inside my heart..

I've got questions like,

- Should i set up some rules for myself?

- Should i close my msn since there's nothing to be waiting for?

- Shouldn't i be doing my revision now?

- Can i eat choco crunch with Milk now?

- What should i tell mum bout it?

- Should i talk to him/ her?

- Can i ask him/her this/that?

Then i've got answers like,

- no i shouldnt', if we live our life through rules, it means that we are forcing ourself to do or follow it. it's willingness that i want. even though through rules you might be easing ur worries for some while but after that u'll start worrying bout whether u are truthful to ur rules or u r just forcing through life, which i don't want to. cause in the end it brings out again, the conflict onto myself and then i'll still be in the wheels of conflict, back to the starting point.

- no i shouldnt but maybe i should since i m awaiting for some miracles to happen but it's a waste of time. but then if i really close my msn, i'll be missing out my miracles. it's sad to think it that way. So i'll just open when i want and close when i feel like don't want to see any activities in my msn.

- yes, i DEFINITELY should have been doing my revision cause ur A2 exam is just around the corner, two months you know TWO MONTHS! But then i couldn't hocus pocus on my books. i intended to do my maths revision but then i ended up staring at it and repeatingly looking into the same page as i did two days ago. so i ended up blogging and staring into my laptops. Urghh..

- I wanna eat choco crunch but then again i wanna diet. Or maybe i might be going out tonight. there might be some expectations to happen but then again i might put myself into a graveyard of unhapiness coz my hopes came to fall apart but then again i should have think positively and yea you see, my cousin actually called me and asked me whether i wanted to go out or not but then again it all depends on ME, whether or not i want to go out or just continue sulking at home.

- Maybe i can make up this and that excuses to her but then again lying to her is so bad and i feel guilty to her. However, i've been desiring to do this and that so maybe i should have just come out with some appropriate excuses which won't hurt both sides. The end.

- No i shouldn't cause i dun wanna be a bother to him/ her so i ended up blogging and throw all my thoughts out into my blog.

- Yes i should but no i shouldn't. I want to solve this all by myself. Maybe i was being a little bit too hard-headed but then again i dont wanna let him/her know all the stupid thoughts i've made. =(

So, you see. I can repeat all those questinos and answers in my head and ended up not doing anything and wasting my time. Even though blogging these might not solve the problem i've made for myself. ARGHH...

I am just stupid and hard-headed and careless and idiotic and not-thinking-wisely...

Blablabla... i'll end my conflicts here but still i am within a sea of conflict and i don't mind talking to myself cause i've been used to it...

THE END

Yours sincerely,

Eileen Tan a.k.a. m0m0ch4n

(For god saken why did i end this article with a LETTER FORMAT? URGHHH!!!)

V Day?

Basically, i've been a single for like three years? And V day was actually the day i officially broke up with my EX... LOL! But i've never thought of it for the past two days until i started blogging then i remember =P

But This Year's V day has been a different one. Well, one big changes was the fact that i've gotten myself a BF. So OF COURSE i am celebrating with my BF, right darling? =D

Oh, It's just a celebration at Citrus, a RM45 per person fixed menu with two choices of MAIN COURSE for that night ONLY =O

He has given me a full box of stuffs, which he explains later that he bought that MANY to compensate for the fact that he NEVER bought me any stuff( for me to keep) for the past two months( ever since we knew each other and got together).

And then during V night, he brought me to David's for the second time. He taught me to play pool though.

This was the statement he made, after meeting each other's parent.

Dear, I think it's time for you to learn to play your BF's favourite game.

Then, Darling i think it's time for you to learn archery too. But unfortunately archery centre is not open on Monday ='(

It's sliding the Q that you should do. Not trying to push the ball when you "shoot"?

Just think of it as bow and arrows. like how u did during archery.

@.@

I wasn't able to "eat" and "do" at the same time.

I played with him one round ONLY. Coz after that my BF's boyfriend showed up and took my bf away from me. =(

Naaahh i am just kidding although really i meant it... ROFLOLMAO!

I have no idea why did i ended up blogging bout V day actually. Boredom gets me wild.. My Brain gets wild. =O

My Valentine's Day present =) --------> IS2U2

=)

I've been too bored. So i ended up clicking on my homepage, ended up directing into your blog( i am using google chrome and your blog seems to be one of my favourited =D).

I browsed through your chat box first, since it's not my first time reading your blog and you don't seem to update your blog for like three months already. Found nothing on your chatbox though. =(

In the end i scrolled down your blog piece by piece. Looking for something to ease my boredom.

At first i intended to browse through all your posts words by words, but then i got tired and my head is kinda buzzing already..

I scrolled from your 2010 posts downwards, saw your funny GF application stuff, blablabla~

And then i saw some relationship thingy which took my whole attention( even though my headache is getting even worse right now).

I did all the calculation, bout your ex's and so...

Here's what i've calculated:-

1. you missed your 6th even more than your 7th,

2. after the break up with your 7th( around august/ september 2009, i don't know or i forgotten bout when is the exact time you two broke up, i do all the investigation based on your blogs ), you still ended up missing your 6th during january and april 2010.

3. you've got your 7th after valentine's day 2009 and broke up with her around the stated time above, means maybe you two started dating around march or april cause you told me you've been quitting yourself from smoking for three months for her sake.

4. and you sort of hated your 7th QUITE-SOME-LOT( no sure how much and how little), maybe that's why you missed your 6th more than your 7th, or maybe that's why your 7th couldn't take the whole of your heart, not the whole, a few? a bit? three quarter? aaaahhhh~

Okay okay~ It's not that i am jealous or what, I am just sorta interested in doing that sorts of thinking and your old posts gave me the chance of doing such USELESS investigations( i think it's useless, don't you think?).

But, HELL-O~ I would like to learn more about you in my own way, not by listening it from you okay? I'll ask you when i don't understand, just like what TEACHERS( in some cases you could be my teacher but for most of the time you are my BF) are meant to me( I do almost all my studies on my OWN, that's why i love to skip classes cause i have no idea WHY THE HELL i hate to listen to lectures, I am dead meat izzit?).

By the end of those "investigation" and the post, my head is still burning like hell and so i think it's time for me to have a good night sleep since It's kinda late d =)

Oh ya Dear

I still love you kay? =3

PS: It's 1.23 am in the morning. And you're gonna be back tomorrow =3

GoodNight =)

I never mentioned...

I thought everyone will realise...

Just the greeting

A very normal yet special

GoodNight

Only to the ones

i love

i miss

the most...

PS: It's a sweet thing to greet your love ones with that before every night ends.. It indicates Even till the end of a day, you'll still miss him/her... =)

=(

Saying F*** to me is like disrespecting me u know...

U said i dun understand u but did u realise that u kept on attacking ur problem instead of solving ur problem?

I m not the kind who kept blaming on stuffs that U KNOW IT'S GONNA HAPPEN, and so it happen...

From my point of view, it really is: " Since u are gonna use bank-in method instead of using cheque( like how you always did before), why didn't you use a more popular bank instead of those you seldom heaard of? Creating a new bank account is not THAAAAT hard and u know public bank is the quickest among all the banks when it comes to receiving salary and the most popular among all workers no matter it's NGO or GO. You could have avoided all those nuisance created by RECEIVING-YOUR-SALARY-VERY-LATE if only u created a quicker account such as CIMB(second quickest for our company), maybank( i dun like maybank even though i m using maybank DEBIT CARD=.=), or nonetheless MR PUBLIC BANK( which is situated in the city centre and soon-to-be-at-pelita). Create the account ONCE and then u avoided THAT PROBLEM forever( i am not sure about forever but still it's better than never).

To tell you the truth, i 've NEVER heard of ALLIANCE BANK until i know you and i just knew that :-

THE TIME TAKEN FOR PCIMAGE COMPANY TO ALLOCATE SALARY TO WORKERS USING ALLIANCE BANK ACCOUNT IS VERY VERY VERY TIME CONSUMING AND SOOO DEAR WORKERS NEED TO TRAIN THEIR PATIENCE TO WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND....

Maybe wait until their hair turn all 'grey-ish' and then all 'white-ish' whatsoever...

Dont BLAME me for writing this... U got all furious and frustrated until u almost blame me for everything and saying i m repeating the problem( or maybe question?) and putting on SALT on ur injuries( in which i am NOT, I am only trying to solve and share your PROBLEM) and luckily that my bank is CIMB BANK( in which i know CIMB is one of the best worldwide bank).

And, Ohya... Don't you dare complain bout receiving ur salary VERY late again the next time when u gonna receive ur second salary because you CHOSE to use ALLIANCE BANK. And, Don't say that i m not caring on you because if i really Don't care I wouldn't be writing such a long argument on my blog and it's all about you.

I still Love you, dear...